Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The Call Has Come

I just received the call that my little brother Charles has just passed away. The call has come and I must go for now...

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Sitting on the Beach

I'm sitting on the beach at Tybee Island. I am under my little pop up tent protected from the harmful rays of the sun and the occassional drizzle of rain and typing madly with both thumbs on my Treo smartphone.

I love listening to the surf and watching all of the "normal" people frolicking, drinking, sunning and escaping their "normal" mundane work week lives with the dark Atlantic ocean as their surreal backdrop. All the while I remain tucked away under my nylon SPF 10,000 (I have no clue what the SPF rating really is but I like big round numbers so we will pretend for now that it could be true) canopy. Thus, I am somewhat distanced in geography and physical barrier as well as attitude. I may even appear a tad aloof and mysterious in my Panama Jack hat and black glasses. Maybe they think I am cursed with some dred sun related disorder (very close to the truth). Or maybe they think I am an eccentric with a sun phobia or even a modernistic wannabe vampire on holiday? More likely they think of me not at all and that is fine with me and probably as it should be.

Last night I dreamed of Charles. He was trying to tell me something as if he were instructing me in a matter of some importance. I knew I was in the dream realm, as I usually do, and made a conscious effort to make sure I remembered what he was telling me. But when I awoke that bit of information was gone from my memory. Most of the rest of the dream was there but the part I wanted to remember the most eluded me. This is the second time in as many weeks that this has happened. I am becoming frustrated but think he will keep coming back to tell me whatever it is until it sinks in enough for me to remember it awake.

The ocean breeze feels so cooling and smells of salt and the indescribable scent that is uniquely ocean. It brings its spirit into my heart and mind and I cast my cares into its waves and seek its primal healing caress.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Nashville Cruise

I am still feeling the buzz from my Nashville cruise to see my best friend, William Payne. You know, that "buzz" you get after a long drive returning home from a weekend you don't want to end? The special buzz of driving four hours in a Corvette cruising down the highway with its sexy powerful thrumming rumble flowing through your whole body? Yeah, that kind of buzz. It makes me want to stop typing this post and get back out on the road and just go nowhere real fast. But, I digress...

William called me early last week and asked if I would meet him in Nashville since it is half way between us (about 4 hours drive). It sounded like fun and something I would really like to do but I hunted for every excuse in the book not to go. Poor William, I was on again off again with each new phone call or e-mail all through the week. I've got to be a lousy friend with my wishy-washy behavior. But hey, this adventure suddenly tripped a lot of triggers inside of me and I found myself actually fearing going. Fearing to let myself go and experience something besides the stress and anxieties I've been shouldering for so many months. How ridiculous is that? His request for a getaway challenged me to shake loose from the perceived responsibilities normally planned for my weekends and do something totally different and that brought about additional anxieties. I guess I am really a basket case afterall.

Anyway, I slogged through the week from hell at work and ended up with a middle of the night anxiety attack that made me sit up and take notice that I was about as close to going over the edge of sanity as I've ever been in my entire life. I had to do something and since I don't believe in coincidences I suddenly saw William's invitation as the life-jacket thrown to me as I bobbed in the ocean of my own fears and it could just possibly save me from sinking beneath the waves of despair and drowning. Wow, that was a pretty tall order of expectations for a simple overnight buddy trip.

My 1996 Collector Edition Corvette had been giving me fits with random idiot lights and bells going off for about a month and me with no time to investigate what was going on. I was uncertain if I should take the risk of driving it to Nashville but that turned out to be just another excuse for not going (William hadn't had the pleasure of seeing her yet). She performed fantastically and the problem of the random warning lights never gave me an issue the whole trip. Again, I was worrying for nothing. I guess she just needed to get out and blow off some of the city driving steam and crankiness... sort of like me.

The weekend ended up being just what the doctor ordered and I found myself quickly feeling so much better emotionally and physically that it was almost magical. I will comment on it further in some later posts as I am still digesting a lot of what we talked about and I just realized I am exhausted and need to get some rest.

I had the chance to introduce William to the world of blogging and helped him set up his own blog. You can check it out at Bill's Cruise Through Life. I am very interested to see where he goes with this blogging opportunity. When you visit, go easy on him... he's still a BlogVirgin.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Panic Attack

Jason pulled a total freak out and destroyed two of his vehicles with a baseball bat then threated my step-father with it. Said he was going to kill Carroll because Carroll had disrespected his woman and was stealing money and morphine from Charles. The police showed up and escorted Carroll away from the house. Charles then found himself where he always wanted... under the primary care of his idiot and dishonest son. That was about a week ago. Today my step-father showed up unexpectedly and found Charles being "cared for" by one of the neighborhood drug thugs who can barely change his own underwear and Jason and Crystal no where to be found. The hospice aide worker showed up and immediately contacted her office to apprise them of the situation. Charles may be forced to go back to the hospice. That's all I know at this point as updated in a two minute phone call from my step-dad. My Mom told me last week that she had intentionally been hiding information from me so that I wouldn't worry because she wanted to protect me and my sister. What utter bullshit.

I have had the week from hell at work and my body is starting to rebel with all sorts of bizarre reactions. I had my first full panic attack in the middle of the night last night. It was horrible and I thought I was dying of a heart attack but couldn't move to wake my wife to take me to the hospital. It was if my whole body was numb and tingling and electric fire enveloped me. My heart was racing and I was sweating and lights were flashing before my eyes in the darkness. I was able to understand what was happening to me and willed myself back under control. This shit has to stop. I will not give in to this. I refuse to be beaten my own emotions.

I am going away for the weekend to meet up with my best friend, William, in Nashville. We are going to cruise coffee houses and wine bars and talk. Call it therapy. Call it running away momentarily. I just know that I need it.