Friday, June 10, 2005

Panic Attack

Jason pulled a total freak out and destroyed two of his vehicles with a baseball bat then threated my step-father with it. Said he was going to kill Carroll because Carroll had disrespected his woman and was stealing money and morphine from Charles. The police showed up and escorted Carroll away from the house. Charles then found himself where he always wanted... under the primary care of his idiot and dishonest son. That was about a week ago. Today my step-father showed up unexpectedly and found Charles being "cared for" by one of the neighborhood drug thugs who can barely change his own underwear and Jason and Crystal no where to be found. The hospice aide worker showed up and immediately contacted her office to apprise them of the situation. Charles may be forced to go back to the hospice. That's all I know at this point as updated in a two minute phone call from my step-dad. My Mom told me last week that she had intentionally been hiding information from me so that I wouldn't worry because she wanted to protect me and my sister. What utter bullshit.

I have had the week from hell at work and my body is starting to rebel with all sorts of bizarre reactions. I had my first full panic attack in the middle of the night last night. It was horrible and I thought I was dying of a heart attack but couldn't move to wake my wife to take me to the hospital. It was if my whole body was numb and tingling and electric fire enveloped me. My heart was racing and I was sweating and lights were flashing before my eyes in the darkness. I was able to understand what was happening to me and willed myself back under control. This shit has to stop. I will not give in to this. I refuse to be beaten my own emotions.

I am going away for the weekend to meet up with my best friend, William, in Nashville. We are going to cruise coffee houses and wine bars and talk. Call it therapy. Call it running away momentarily. I just know that I need it.

5 comments:

Tara Tainton said...

Ugh, why does everyone always assume witholding the truth actually helps others?!

I know how those menacing emotions are as well. Really, it's our minds and bodies trying to send different messages. At least you know what the reason behind the ailments are, and eventually, you'll find the solution to dealing with it all.

Writing helps with that! :)

Janet said...

Everyone needs a break, Enjoy!

Monkey said...

Huge hugs. I read your blog often. I am a cancer survivor. My heart goes out to you and your family. If you need to chat with someone for whatever reason, yell, scream, whatever, you can IM me. monkeygrrl9 on yahoo.

Again, hugs.

Kitty said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nony Mitchell said...

Breaks are a necessary part of living...enjoy...relax and hopefully you will feel much better upon return...