Tuesday, August 09, 2005

What Dreams May Come

The sun. The sun was touching my face and it wasn't burning. In fact it felt good. It felt sort of healthy and warming not scalding and hurtful like... like... like it really does to me.

Ah, this was a dream. My first clue to the subconscious that I was actually asleep and experiencing one of my livid dreams. Interesting. Interesting was the fact that I was feeling the sun and enjoying it versus shying away and seeking shade to protect myself from its burning rays eating my skin.

I turned my face upward and squinted my eyes against the sun's brightness and let it warm my face more. I noticed I was sitting in long grass with a gentle breeze blowing. On the side of a rounded downward sloping hill that overlooked a large field of green grass. The grass seemed conformly about a foot long swaying in the gentle breeze like waves on water. The field of grass was surrounded by thick woods that gave the whole area a feeling of containment yet hinted at adventure beyond.

There was a haze. A haze like those in the old movies when the camera would do a head shot of the heroine and she was supposed to look beautiful and all hazy and dreamy. You know what I mean... sort of out of focus a bit as if to hide her imperfections. Well, that's the kind of hazy this was, too. But when I was dreaming it I wasn't thinking about what the haziness may be hiding. I wasn't thinking of why it was "out of focus". I didn't think about that at all because soon after I noticed the haze and was looking around at the hasiness of everything that's when I heard Charles' voice.

"Sorry I haven't come to visit you like I promised, Bone." he said as if I knew he was sitting right there beside me all along.

Sitting beside me on the hill overlooking the waving grassy field below us and he wasn't there a moment ago. I wasn't startled. It seems like I should have been but I wasn't. I turned to look at him and he was smiling while he examined the fluffy head of a dandelion gone to seed. He was young and healthy and so very alive. I suddenly knew I was young, too. Let's say we were probably both in our teens or early twenties. He continued to examine the dandelion and looked so happy and contented. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and then blew the dandelion parachutes into the wind in a single burst of white fluffiness that was swept away from us and out over the field of waving grass below us.

"Sorry, I haven't come to visit you," he started again.

"That's okay," I interrupted. "I understand." But I didn't. I just didn't want him to have to apologize for anything. I wanted him to stay here with me like this in the hazy sunlight sitting on the hill by the grassy meadow. It felt so right. It felt so real. It felt so peaceful.

"I will do it but it's taking longer than I had thought it would," he began again as if I hadn't interrupted at all. "But I thought I would come this way and tell you that I hadn't forgotten and to make sure you were all right."

"I'm okay." I said without thinking and I meant it at that moment.

"Are you?"

I didn't answer and looked away from his eyes for a moment. This was only a dream, I reminded myself. This wasn't real.

I looked back up from picking a blade of grass from between my crossed legs and he was looking intently at me and still smiling with a single blade of long grass dangling from his lips as he chewed it. That silly impish look he could get about him that made him look like a mischievous devil in a blond-headed innocent boy's body.

"Yeah, I'm making it," I lied. He knew. I could see it in his face but he didn't press me on it or even stop smiling but only looked out over the meadow to give me a chance to blush privately.

"Charles, can I ask you some questions?"

Was that a twinkle of delight in his eyes as he turned to me? "I knew you would have lots of questions," he said with a definite twinkle of delight. There was understanding and love beaming from him. "Yeah, it's okay to ask me questions."

And I began to ask my questions. All the questions that would come flooding out of me about what was it like and where was he at and was he happy and was there really a heaven like we thought of it and what was God really like and and and and and


I don't remember a thing he told me.

But he did answer every one of my questions very openly and without hesitation. We laughed and he assured me it was all so much better than I could imagine and that I didn't have anything to be afraid of. I don't remember the words he told me even though the whole time I kept thinking I needed to remember all of this because it was so awesome and would change my life forever. I don't remember the exact words, but I remember the feelings.

The feeling of peace. The feeling of love. The feeling of a cumbersome burden of pain and sorrow being lifted off of me because there was nothing to be pained or sorrowed over. It was all great and just dandy, according to Charles. Even though I don't remember his words. He still got the message across.

Then I woke up.

I woke up like this for the last three nights and each time have experienced the frustration of not being able to remember what Charles was telling me about the mysteries of the great beyond. I work all day to regain the feelings of peace and love and loss of burden that Charles gave me but have failed miserably. Why can't I remember? Why can't I retain the blissful feelings he brought me?


VikiBabbles said...

Why don't you ask him tonight?

Maybe you're just trying too hard to recapture those feelings. Give yourself a couple of minutes when you first wake up to lay quietly and breathe, and push the anxious feeling to get back to your dream out of your head.

But, oh, what a blessing to have Charles visiting you in this way.

Kitty said...

Do you think you could hold onto the extreme bliss that you encounter on another consciousness level when you try to bring it back to this sad human form? It isn't really possible to cross over the layers of consciousness with those strong emotions - not all of them - but, you are left with the residue that reminds you of how intense the feelings were.

Whenever I am stressed, or have heavy issues weighing on me, my maternal grandmother comes to visit in my dreams. She has done this ever since she passed when I was eight. I 'know' that she gives me sage advice and words of wisdom, and points me in the right direction, but I can never - for the life of me - remember a darned thing she said when I awake. But, it isn't the words, it is the emotions, that being with her evoke. Whether it is my subconscious using a figure that I idolize to help me through the rough spots, or if she truly is my guardian angel, it doesn't matter - because I can always count on her to be there when I need her.

It looks like you'll always be able to count on Charles to be there for you now, too.

Don't try to over-analyze it -- or try to hold on too tightly ... that will never work; it will always manage to slip through your fingers when you hold on too tight.

Enjoy your moments with him, let your conversations give you peace at the moment they are occurring, and don't try to 'bring-it-with-you,' as everything will flow naturally if you don't try to force it.

I wish you peace, my friend!

Baffled Simian said...

Tony, that's so cool that Charles came to see you in your dreams!

As Kitty said, it's not the words but the emotions that we remember. Don't try to analyse what he tells you. Just remember the feeling he gave you. That's probably what he's trying to do in the first place.

Patricia said...

what a beautiful gift.
it's like when we create memories for children. babies don't remember being held by their mothers but they grow up with that innate feeling of love that was passed on. that's what charles is giving you. that soul connection that transcends any little words or other communication that we can know on this level.

let go of the physical plane's need to interpret and make sense of it all. we don't have the skills for that here. you are connecting on a soul level, so far beyond what we can process here.

trust that he is with you.
trust that you are learning and healing and growing in the exact ways that you are supposed to. and that he is helping you in this process. he has transition work to do, as well.
trust the love. again and again.

this is truly the most beautiful gift possible.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Go to 365 Dreams and share your dream if you would like. That is very beautiful

Cylithria™ said...

You will remember when you're ready Tony. I have faith in you. Thank you so much for coming to my blog and leaving your words of comfort. I often think of you and how you are doing after your loss of Charles. Funny, I don't know Charles, but I think of him often....You truly did him justice as you shared about him here. Thanks!

Now I'm off to see the monkey video....because I just gotta see it lolol

Thanks Tony (((hugs))

Grey Biker said...

Sounds like a pretty cool place. I don't know why they come to us but just keep listening and enjoying the visit.

MoxieGrrrl said...

I loved the dreams I had with my loved ones in it. The first was similar to yours - talked a lot and couldn't remember exactly about what. I knew I'd have another dream about my step-father when he passed, and tried to desperately in my dream to get as many answers as I could. Found that the more I tried to get the answers, the faster they slipped away from me.

I resolved that the next time it happened, I would stop trying so hard and just accept what I'm offered. You're very lucky you have multiple dreams, so far I've only gotten one visit each ;P


HollyGL said...

One of my favorite television shows is "Inside the Actor's Studio"; and one of my favorite episodes had Sharon Stone as the guest.

She was talking about her former acting coach, Roy London, with whom she was extremely close. He was suffering from AIDS, and she was at his bedside in the hospital when she said it was like he slowly passed out of his body. Then, she said, she could almost feel his spirit slam back into his body. He opened his eyes and said, "Its so beautiful, Sharon. Its all about love." And then he closed his eyes, and passed away.

Sharon Stone started crying while relaying the story, and I found myself deeply moved as well. I know we don't have definitive answers about what its like when we die, but I like to believe that Mr. London's description comes very close.

Tony O. said...

Hollygl, your comments touched me and I was crying too along with Sharon. You tell the story beautifully. Also appropriate is your visit and comment are the day after the 2nd anniversary of Charles' passing. He's still touching lives and spreading love two years beyond. Thank you so much for visiting and commenting.

Jod{i} said...

"not being able to remember what Charles was telling me about the mysteries of the great beyond. I work all day to regain the feelings of peace and love and loss of burden that Charles gave me but have failed miserably. Why can't I remember? Why can't I retain the blissful feelings he brought me?"

I know I am a few years behind here...and yet you wrote this so eloquently Tony. Absolutely.
It came from the heart.
Has it come to you yet?
I think its there...and it will spill out on its own accord. And that moment, that one single moment, you will get it.

Tony said...

Being a few years behind doesn't matter, Jodi. Charles is still very much a live in my heart and mind and missed daily. No, what Charles revealed to me about the great beyond hasn't come to me yet. I don't know that it matters because what did come to me was the sense of peace that all is as it should be and that he was no longer suffering. He promised me that if it was possible he would come back to visit me... and I am still waiting because I believe he will keep his word. It may not be until my last dying breath but if it is possible he will be there for me...

Jod{i} said...

He will...
I may not be "religious" but I can still hold a faith...He will.

Tony said...

Being "religious" has nothing to do with true spirituality, Jod{i}. At least, that's what I always say. If it's true or not I don't have a clue :) I am amazed at how many people peg me as being a spiritual person and I don't even remotely consider myself to be so. I only strive to be a just and fair soul who wants to leave a legacy of peace and understanding and be remembered ever so briefly as one who made the world even a minuscule mo betta.