Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Grief Counseling

Tonight I attended my first grief counseling session at the insistence of my wife. I don't think I will be going back to this particular group. Everyone there was dealing with loved ones who had already died, some recently and some from several years in their past. I am dealing with a different type of grief. A grief that is tough to define as I am grieving someone who is suffering and dying not already dead and gone. I am not at a place where I have the luxury of trying to put it behind me because the actual death part has yet to happen. I am grieving because I know the inevitable is coming and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I am grieving because I am helpless to ease his suffering and unable to give him hope. I am grieving because I cannot be by his side attempting to comfort him or to just be there when he awakes alone in the middle of the night.

I am suffering from all the classical signs of grieving and severe depression. Unable to focus, unable to sleep (and when I do I dream I am the one dying), feelings of my own mortality, numbness to the realities of daily living, misperception of time and more. I may need "assistance" in coping with what I am going through but I doubt it will be through this group tonight.

4 comments:

Linda Rae said...

When he was sick and dying for me, it was almost worse than him being gone. I felt hopeless and helpless and I was very much in a state of denial that he might and would most likely die. I hated myself, I punished myself, I didn't sleep and I didn't leave his side for very much. Before he was "dying" and he was just sick, I believed that no matter what "they" would "fix" him and all would be right in the world. My grieving was a constant in my life before he ever died. Now, I am just full of regret and sadness that I did not do enough, I did not love enough, I did not care enough, I did not do enough of what ever it was I was supposed to do. I suppose I am haunted forever. I hope that this is not like this for you, I hope you will find the support you need and want. God bless.

fuzzit said...

I'm awake cause I am grieving over a different kind of loss too. It's heart wrenching and nobody seems to understand. I am doing individual counseling, that helps at times. Do whatever healthy thing you can if it eases your grief. I will say a prayer for you and your brother, when I can face getting back to bed.

Tony said...

Thank you for your thoughts and words. I know I am not unique in my grieving process but it helps to hear others who have shared the burden and survived. Blogging has become an escape for me and I have surprisingly found comfort in the words of "strangers". This has shown me that we all are indeed One and that I am never alone. One of the things I did learn from the grief counselling session last night was that we gain comfort by comforting others. May you both find the comfort your souls require and longs for.

Frances said...

It might be hard to see someone you love and care for so much struggle with their pains that it might actually cause you grief. Going through grief counseling is actually a wise move on your part.