Tonight I attended my first grief counseling session at the insistence of my wife. I don't think I will be going back to this particular group. Everyone there was dealing with loved ones who had already died, some recently and some from several years in their past. I am dealing with a different type of grief. A grief that is tough to define as I am grieving someone who is suffering and dying not already dead and gone. I am not at a place where I have the luxury of trying to put it behind me because the actual death part has yet to happen. I am grieving because I know the inevitable is coming and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I am grieving because I am helpless to ease his suffering and unable to give him hope. I am grieving because I cannot be by his side attempting to comfort him or to just be there when he awakes alone in the middle of the night.
I am suffering from all the classical signs of grieving and severe depression. Unable to focus, unable to sleep (and when I do I dream I am the one dying), feelings of my own mortality, numbness to the realities of daily living, misperception of time and more. I may need "assistance" in coping with what I am going through but I doubt it will be through this group tonight.
3 comments:
When he was sick and dying for me, it was almost worse than him being gone. I felt hopeless and helpless and I was very much in a state of denial that he might and would most likely die. I hated myself, I punished myself, I didn't sleep and I didn't leave his side for very much. Before he was "dying" and he was just sick, I believed that no matter what "they" would "fix" him and all would be right in the world. My grieving was a constant in my life before he ever died. Now, I am just full of regret and sadness that I did not do enough, I did not love enough, I did not care enough, I did not do enough of what ever it was I was supposed to do. I suppose I am haunted forever. I hope that this is not like this for you, I hope you will find the support you need and want. God bless.
I'm awake cause I am grieving over a different kind of loss too. It's heart wrenching and nobody seems to understand. I am doing individual counseling, that helps at times. Do whatever healthy thing you can if it eases your grief. I will say a prayer for you and your brother, when I can face getting back to bed.
Thank you for your thoughts and words. I know I am not unique in my grieving process but it helps to hear others who have shared the burden and survived. Blogging has become an escape for me and I have surprisingly found comfort in the words of "strangers". This has shown me that we all are indeed One and that I am never alone. One of the things I did learn from the grief counselling session last night was that we gain comfort by comforting others. May you both find the comfort your souls require and longs for.
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