Thursday, March 03, 2005

Time is Running Out

Okay, I've been avoiding writing about what's really on my mind the last few days. Of course, what's on my mind is Charles, my brother who is dying from cancer. I tried calling to talk with him tonight and we couldn't have a conversation over his vomiting. The last thing he said to me between heaves was, "I love you, Tony" and then the retching sound before the click of the receiver in my ear. I just sat here with the phone up to my ear not wanting the conversation to be over and wishing that he wasn't living through the hell he is on the other end of that disconnected line.

Charles has now been declared terminal with zero percent survivability chances. At least, that's the third hand information I am getting from those on the front lines with him, namely my Mom and Dad. They are not the best at relaying medical information in an objective or concise manner. But that's another story that may never be told in these posts.

Charles is declining further and has lost more weight. His body is rejecting the tube feeding of the Ensure drink they've been feeding him from a drip bag so now they have moved him to Similac in hopes he can keep it down... yeah, same thing I thought... that's baby formula. Well, from the way our conversation went tonight I would say that the Similac isn't working too well, either.

They are continuing to give him radiation hoping to reduce the size of the tumor mass to relieve pressure from his brain and to keep it from shutting down his heart and lungs. It is a lost cause and the doctor says is mainly a gesture to Charles to encourage him not to give up. Prolong his agony? He is scheduled for another round of chemo in two weeks. There is question if he will make it that far. My question is why keep poisoning him further if it isn't going to help him and only makes him sicker?

I'm not making much sense right now. Need to rest.

Good night, Charles. May the angels comfort you in your sleep tonight.

7 comments:

Kate Ford said...

I'm really sorry that your brother is in such pain. I hope he finds peace and comfort. If you need someone to talk to anytime, feel free to email me. I don't mind. Sometimes we all need someone to listen to the pain we feel.

Deek Deekster said...

it's really tough. western medicine insists on keeping people alive to the bitter end, instead of allowing an exit with dignity.

i would just take as much morphine as i could and say my goodbyes..

much sympathy to you

Kim said...

I'm sorry you have to experience this. I lost a wonderful person two years ago last week to brain cancer (glioblastoma) and it haunts me still. There is nothing you can say, nothing you can feel that I didn't through this process, and it's a slow one at that. I hope you are able to see your brother and are able to convey your feelings to him in person. Your time with him is precious and you need to know that. I hope you find comfort as well as your brother, my thoughts are with you.

Tony said...

Thank you for your kind words of comfort. I never thought anyone would respond in such a compassionate way. As the time draws closer I am not coping as well.

Frally said...

There isn't any other way to say it, cancer is a BITCH. I understand what you are going through as I had to watch my mother deteriorate and die from this awful thing as well. Offering my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. May his last days be peaceful.

Tony said...

Thank you and yes, cancer is a montster who's destructive reach extends far beyond the victim dying. The entire family is affected and changed for the rest of their lives.

God I Am said...

Namaste my brother, your brother is a very brave man. Your love and compassion for your brother is very touching leaving me with a big glowing heart. I have the answer to all your pain, it will require that you both simply follow the path to a truer understanding of the self. Scientists and spiritual sages have laid out a wonderous path of enlightenment. With the grace of the internet and this magnificant blog forum we can take this path together. I would submit that if you start with the many videos on my blogsite (presented by the finest Scientists in all of America and the world) that some hope yet remains. I will remain in your service with love....