Thursday, March 31, 2005

Nightmares of Death

Nightmares of me dying. Why do I dream I am the one dying? I have been dreaming that for months. It's not Charles, it's me. Maybe I wish it were me instead of him. Maybe I wish I could make some sort of deal with God or even the devil to exchange my life for his. If it were only possible. If it were possible would I really do it or am I just playing some sort of sick psycho game in my own head? I have but one life to lay down for my brother. Didn't someone famous say that? I know what they meant now.

Or was that, I have but one life to LIVE for my brother?

I know I've done all I can for Charles, but I keep hoping there is something I've overlooked that can make everything right and that I discover it before it is too damn late. I know I am grasping for miracles and bearing unnecessary and realistic "blame" and even guilt. Knowing that doesn't ease the pain or confusion, though. Knowing that only causes me to fear further that I am slipping over the edge.

Keep smiling, Tony, and telling the world you're okay. Maybe you can fake it till you make it and believe it yourself. Maybe you can force those death nightmares from your restless sleep.

Peace and Pain. I have both and one doesn't negate the other. Peace that I've said goodbye and have done all I humanly can. Pain at the loss of a dear brother I never truly got to know and enjoy the way I should have.


Nony Mitchell said...

Right after my brother was killed I began having nightmares about dying. I was positive that I was going to die as well and that my daughter would be left without a mother. Basically I was terrified. With time the nightmares subsided and I lost the anxiety...

I understand...I think that in my head I was trying to work out what I was feeling. Call it survivor guilt or simply was and still can (sometimes) cause me pain.

MoxieGrrrl said...

You seem to be handling your grief in a very healthy manner. I self-medicated for about 4 months after my step-father passed away. I didn't have any dreams of dying myself, but as it happened when my cousin passed away as a teenager, I did have a very realistic dream where I saw him and got to tell him I loved him and missed him.

Just know we're out here in cyberworld for ya.

Big (((HUGS)))

Tony said...

Thank you both (SpiritDancer and Mox). Funny thing... I know all the classic signs and stages of bereavement but yet can't recognize them in myself or control the process. I have good moments and bad moments but the bad moments can come on like a flash of lightning and have me on my knees before I know what's happened. Strange.
Yes, blogging has been a therapeutic outlet for me during this time. Thank you, "cyberfriends" (giggle)

Kim said...

Oh Tony, you're killing me... I know exactly how you feel! I held Angie in my arms as she took her last breath. She had a glioblastoma in her brain which spread to everywhere in her body. For two years we battled it, and for two years she got sicker and sicker. It's just so helpless, And I wasted SO MUCH TIME before she was diagnosed. I live with it all the time and it sucks. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, nobody should know this pain.

Tony said...

My heart goes out to you, Kim. Sometimes forgiving ourselves is the hardest part of the whole process. You're right, it definitely *does* suck.

Scrawler said...

Just to reassure you that dreams about dying mean that big changes are about to occur. It doesn't mean that someone or you are about to die. It probably refers to changes in your life after your brother has passed.

I used to have a Blogger account but removed my blogs after numerous problems with formatting. I've had no problems with Bravenet and it's a cool community! :)

Ms Mac said...

"Pain at the loss of a dear brother I never truly got to know and enjoy the way I should have."

Tony, I feel that until you can accept that your relationship with your brother was the best it could be for both at this time in both of your lives then the guilt will live on. I urge you to forget the relationship you "should have" had and remember the good times and the love that was there anyway. We all do our best until we learn from our mistakes and try to do better from then on, after all.

All the best!

Cyn said...

Maybe it's not so much a fear of death but the fear of being left behind to go on living?

Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

two months a go i had a nighmare about my mum , she was trying to kill me (she would never do that in real life though) and in the dream she had a bit of a coke can (when they brake they are so sharp) and she sliced my shin as i was running away and then i looked out the window and i saw my aunt looking out the shed window and then i ran to the shed and when i opened the door to get help from my aunt she said youl be fine and then she gave me a hug and then stabbed me with a screwdriver and i looked at her face and it was my mum then i woke up BUT i had the scrach sh gave me on my shin

Tony said...

Yes, Anonymous, I would consider this to definitely be somewhat "freaky or what" :) Thank you for visiting and sharing here on Bad Monkey. You can always get more freaky or what stuff over at Bonez if you are so inclined.